Monday, January 14, 2008

Black Secrets

Unexpected things always happen in life.

Sometimes a person may die so sudden that you question yourself during his/her ceremony whether had you treated her/him well enough? Or did you do your responsibility well enough and there won't be a slight regret in it?

Sometimes we take things for granted. Its only when we loses it, we start to appreciate it and ask ourself questions that is no longer useful anymore. There isn't a point in knowing the answer to the question because it doesn't really matter after the thing we took for granted is no longer there.

There are things in life that i did which i am not proud off. I lied, I stole things, I never respect my parents and I never study well.
When i lie, my brain would say it's just a lie so small. As you lie more, you start to not notice the how lies affect you. Maybe lying is better because in the real world and society it is just too cruel.

When i steal, i have many reasons as to why i should steal. I steal because i want things which my parents won't give me. I steal because i think mummy pamper big sis more. so i have the right to steal. What i never thought of, they gave me shelter, they gave me love that no one will ever pour on me and they gave me a family which never fights during dinner or any other times. From then on, I stopped stealing. Mainly because i understand things now.

I never respect them because i think that they care more of my other sisters and not me. I'm never allowed to go out with my friends unless it is a school trip, i'm never allowed to buy things that i want. As i grew older, i start to understand what kind of attitude i have got. If my parents allowed me to go out every night, i would be taking drugs right now, having sex with many different guys and maybe get aids. I need the curfew to control myself from being influenced by the outside world. And when i'm allowed to go out after 12am, i appreciate it even more. I still buy useless things now, but i do think twice whenever i want to buy things. So i guess that is an improvement huh.

People who knows me, would say that i don't study well. I don't. I have my A-Levels results to prove it. =p I wasted 17k and time in playing games, going mamak and etc. But i know that when i want to score flying colours i can do it as proven in my study skills exam.

See, some things in life i am never proud off But i'm most certain that i am proud of being nice to old people, to have a heart to give more if i could, and to treat my friends as though their my sisters.

I'm proud of being a true friend to them. I'm proud of being a good girlfriend to John. I'm definitely proud of having this wondeful family; a mother that cooks very well, a father that pamper us so much, a sister that always study smartly,and two sisters which i love and appreciate even more. I'm proud of you all, are you all proud of me?

If your not, maybe i have flaws. I admit i do because no one is perfect. If your proud of me, then i'm here to say thank you an we'r here to keep this relationship or friendship strong.

If i'm non-existence to you, then might as well send the message here and let me know. No matter how long we known each other, or how much care i give to this particular relationship or friendship, if i'm no-existence to you then i'm sorry to say that i have to rest now. Tolerating is very hard for me right now. I have had enough of it and i need to breath sometimes. Ther eis nothing stopping you from leavig because i don't think your worth it anymore. As much as i like this relationship or friendship to say, it will never work out because you have already gave up on me.

This is the deepest of a black book secret

1 comment:

Calypso said...

Don't be stupid. We are proud of you and we do love you very much.